When I start teaching my Pickup Artist Students, I divide them into two categories. Self Validating vs. Externally validating. Those that are self validating have a very short course in learning the lessons of social arts and how to be more attractive. Those that have difficult times are externally validating, i.e. they seek other people to like them and to prove it.
External validation is a dangerous compass to have. It causes the budding social artist to put his self-worth and value in the hands of other people. When that is the case, he is giving power that is rightfully his to other people, and it is one of the most powerful things he can give to others.
If you seek external validation, you feel you are only worth something or of value if a woman decides to be with you, or if people tell you they like you. The danger of this is you will never fully be satisfied… nobody can be 100% validating to another person. Nobody can like EVERYTHING about you. Despite having high-valued/positive women in their lives, they will only hear or focus on the things they say that are negative about them. Despite not liking very few things about the person, those are the things the person listens to and focuses all attention to.
For example, I had one student go out sarging one night who wrote a field report. In that field report he mentioned opening 5 sets, getting 3 phone numbers, a kiss close, and getting blown out by one woman. Guess what 3/4ths of his field report was about? How he was a failure and couldn’t get over the fact that he was blown out. Instead of focusing on the overall success of his evening and how he got 3 numbers and a kiss (something that only 1% of men out there can usually accomplish), he felt like a failure and like a terrible person that women didn’t like because of that one unsuccessful open. He was so focused on external validation that he focused only on his failures. He was seeking 100% validity from his opens and anything to the contrary was a failure. Not only was one bad open a failure… anything less than 100% success was seen as failure. A person with this compass can get depressed about himself very quickly, and are usually the guys who quit pick up instruction in 6 months or less.
Many men starting out in pickup have this compass of validity-seeking behavior. It’s one of the reasons they are so needy with women. They seek that validation and sometimes supplicate or give too much of themselves to people to gain that validation. They buy drinks. They offer cars and money to women they don’t even know. They tell exotic dancers, “I’ll take you away from all this. You won’t ever have to strip anymore.” They live and breath every word of the women they attempt to talk to, and they internalize every NEGATIVE statement as if it is the written word of God. That is way too much value to give to a woman you don’t even know yet (and one you aren’t even having sex with yet!)
I can tell they are seeking validation when I ask them why they want to learn pickup. “To have sex with 100 women.” I ask why they need exactly 100. They say, “to prove that I am a Master Pickup Artist.” Then I ask the deeper questions. “What does it mean to be a Master Pickup Artist to you?” They answer many times, “Then that would prove I can have any woman that I want and that women really like me.”
Having 100 women that you have had sex with means absolutely nothing. It just means what it does on the surface. You have had sex with 100 women. Big deal. Being self-validating and never having sex actually has a lot more with being a Master Pickup Artist and an Alpha male than any number. A man who is non-reactive and doesn’t try at all to get validation from others is vastly more attractive than a guy whose self worth hinges on getting an exact number or a high number of women. A guy who has one woman who adds to his self validation is far more stable than the fragile man who will get anxious and nervous, or feel a failure, if he doesn’t get any phone numbers, kisses, or dates in one night.
Self validation is the ability to use yourself as the compass of your success. “I opened 5 sets, got 3 numbers and 1 kiss!” versus “I opened five sets and failed when one didn’t open” shows you the vast difference the frame is for a man when he is self validating vs externally validating.
I had read on Facebook recently a quote put up by Carlos Xuma. “The man who gets along with women best is the man that gets along great without them.” In a nutshell, self-validating men have more success with women in a pure sense. Those that “need” them for validation are try-hard to begin with.
I had one wingman who is technically one of THE BEST PUAs out there. 177 f closes to his claim to fame and some of the best field reports on The Attraction Forums ever. However he had never gotten over his validation-seeking behavior. So when he had thought he had found “The one” after going through 177 women, he realized too late that he had chosen a woman who validated him the best rather than a woman who was best for him. When they moved in together, she refused to assist in the household, to earn any money or continue her career, and her validation had disappeared. She used the validation she provided as a means to better financial health rather than to truly validate him. She learned the minimal amount of work it took in the relationship to keep financially afloat rather than getting into a mutually beneficial relationship where both people were so self-validated by themselves that being together multiplied it exponentially.
He eventually broke up with his girlfriend and had gotten angry at the game. He gave it up. He was jaded. After 177 successes he was still unable to find a suitable women. But his foundation for finding people of value in his life was still jaded by his need for validation.
People who seek external validation also are easy to hurt. As a wingman, you are instructed to be brutally honest with your wing to help his game. You tell him his breath smells, when he has body odor, when he looks weak and needy in field to help his game and success. These guys are the hardest to wing at times because they get so out of state and so quickly saddened when it comes to real-time constructive criticism. Once again instead of making adjustments, they make judgment calls as to how much of a good wing and friend you really are.
Leaving your self-worth at the mercy of other people is putting their opinion above your own on a subject that is truly your own… your life. When men put beautiful women on a pedestal, they are letting way too much of their own personal value depend on people who haven’t even proven their value. They give these people’s opinions even more value than they do their own family members’ opinions. Would you put the value of you life into another person’s hands before that of your mother’s opinion of your life? Those who seek external validation do every day.
Some people get so dependent on these opinions they become narcissistic. Of course narcissists are supposed to be those people that are so internally focused that they fall in love with themselves. However narcissists truly are so externally validated that they will lie to keep their self worth inflated and will only keep people around them that validate their lies. This extreme form of external validation is so twisted that it warps what they think is their personal opinion of themselves and they have a difficult time seeking truth in themselves. People who find themselves with narcissists find their loyalty constantly questioned, and find the narcissist twisting truths and real events so that anyone who does not externally validate them is wrong or idiotic or liars even when speaking the truth. (It’s why being in a relationship with a narcissist is so doomed from the start and why the divorce rate of people with this personality disorder is estimated to be high).
So with my social artistry students, I use NLP and reframing to illustrate this validation-seeking frame many men have when they start game and teach them how to reverse this immediately. Without this reframe, they may end up becoming good technically, but ALWAYS WITH THE WRONG WOMEN and never being satisfied with a beautiful woman that is the one. If you have the ability to meet many women, then you should have the ability to find several that match characteristics that you desire. But if you are externally validating, all they have to do is say the right things for a few weeks and you will be fooled into thinking you have found “The one” that you want to have a long-term relationship with.
Do you want ot be a PUA that has hundreds of women you have slept with that are all the same woman and never right for you, or do you want to be a PUA that ONLY dates and seeks positive-minded women with the most important characteristics you look for, and find them consistently? If you want the former, instruction from a coach like me that leads you to the top women is not for you. You would be better off learning how to game for same night lays every night.
For more lessons on eliminating validation-seeking behavior, go to my website listed below in my signature.